Jean-Guy

I wrote this a few years ago, exactly s and one week after losing my virginity to E. It’s in the form of a letter to E. Jean-Guy is actually the nick-name that my brother P always called E. Aren’t nick-names supposed to be shorted than the names they replace?

E,

Do you remember? Dancing in stilettos in the snow.

Just that one line from Kayleigh, a late 80s’, early 90s’ song. It is a fantasy from the Saturday night when P asked if I wanted to go out with the gang (you know S, L and of course you). But I was too chicken to go, scared of what might come out of what happened the Sunday afternoon before. I had just mailed the letter…

First year of university… enormously shy… nerdy… no self-confidence… An incredible craving and sense of destiny that Saturday night, P’s birthday, I knew that it would happen soon, I knew that it would be you. I had never actually gotten over the crush I had on you since I . I like to believe that I was known for my underwear, but on that Sunday morning I wasn’t wearing any. I knew you would come back after work. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that it would happen and it would happen now.

And come back you did. Although earlier than I planed, I wanted to be in the bath. I felt awkward; you used one stupid excuse after the other to justify you being there. I changed shorts and T, but completely forgot of how I must have smelled after a sweaty bike ride. I showed you wear to plug the hair dryer, behind my night table, and it the panic must have showed on my face when you saw the condoms. Once your hair dry and shirt on, you took them and ask what I was doing with these in my room. I mumbled that you could keep them because I had no use for them. I panicked, ran to my room. Following me, you repeated, “do you want to try it?” You dropped the condoms back on the night table.

A thousand things were going in my head in the next few s. Would you mock me? Laugh at me? Would you tell P? Would you remind me I was a nerdy, homely girl you had no interest in? But no, you slid your hands around my waist and pressed your lips against my neck. My mind was racing; your hands were racing even faster. By the time your finger was inside me, I distinctively, consciously remember telling my self: “Girl, you wanted this all your life, don’t push it away now”.

The touches felt so real, so honest, so simple, and so instinctive. It just seemed to click. I have never felt caresses the same way since then. Never I have received such intense and lengthy foreplay. There was an awkward moment, your whole body pressing against me, I could feel your manhood pressing on me, just at the opening of where it was destined to go, I could feel it’s heat. I thought for a brief moment “this isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be”. You moved away, put on the condom, and placed yourself exactly where you were a moment before. Destiny happened and I told myself “Now you’re like everyone else”. The instinctivness and simplicity of it all still awes me. I don’t remember more than the first two or three strokes. I don’t know why, I could I fall asleep? When I ‘awoke’, it was over; your body was all sweaty. I asked you not to tell P, you acknowledged, laughing, how obvious that was. Then you were ready to go. And go you did.

The time, how could you simply stop abruptly, say you had to go, give me a peck on the cheek (after I asked for it, almost sobbing) and then simply say goodbye and walk out the door. Do you remember the letter? Do you remember asking me about it? Asking to tell you wait it said?

“I will kiss you in four places” a line from the song I know by heart by H&C. That song will forever be in my mind because of that one line. You asked: “Ça va?” I was too polite to say the truth. I remember the purple tank top I was wearing, you kissed me four times: right shoulder, right side of the neck, left side of the neck, left shoulder. Then you asked if it had hurt (the first time). You thought I answered yes and it excited you more. I then embarked in something we both knew I shouldn’t, didn’t really want… That is what you would call a horny adolescent.

I remember unbuckling your pants, trying to undo the button. It was like I had overcome some obstacle, did something, not just lie there. point I was either worried or scared (maybe not worried nor scared, but I can’t find a better word) when I saw your face in ecstasy (not a pretty site): I was able to excite and arouse you.

Unsolved issues, that’s all it boils down to this day. What did I want? What do I still need? Two things:

First, the apology I never got: I begged for it, I went so low to ask for it, and still I never got it. By the way, sorry about the heavy beginning doesn’t count. I’m sure N got hers and so did P. Mine,… I’ll have to wait, for how long… Till I completely forget? It is hard for me to “move on” without it.

, your version: Well, I did get “I remember it being quick and thinking only of myself, I was scared of getting caught”. Did you brag about it? was it worth it? or did you just brag about how bad it was. You didn’t even remember how flat I was. Your version was so simple, I was expecting more (i.e. the thrill of popping a girl, the illicitness of f—— your best friend’s sister).

Believing that I was responsible for breaking your friendship with P and breaking your relationship with N gives me a slight sense of significance. Although I know saying this is mean, wrong and egocentric. I didn’t know about N at the time. Had I, I never would have. If I could, I would apologize to N.

Betraying P. Ohhh… you both would say “you’re a big girl”, “it takes two to tango”, but I knew P didn’t, couldn’t believe that 100%, you may have known more than I about how protective he was of his “little kid sister”. On both occasions you borrowed his house key, as if you were asking for his permission. At the time, he referred to you as his best friend.

I remember him saying that friends would come and go but I would always be his sister. At the time, he wanted to protect me, but didn’t want to break his friendship with you, guess it would have embarrassed him. He did however say his first reaction was that he wanted to beat you up. You lost a friend; I gained a brother.

I’m still waiting… for what I’m not sure, but I need to wake you up again, not sure how or why. The fantasies don’t arouse me the way they used to; it has all pretty much died. Although, I’m desperately trying to keep it all alive.

I would be dead without my dreams of you.

C

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