It was hard to do it

I look back on my first time and i think of it as nothing that great. it is now ten years ago.
I had had this boyfriend for like 5 months, we were together but i didn’t really love him, all my friends had boyfriends in the same gang as him so we kind of just hungout together all of us, he had a troubbled family life with a drinking mom and dad and i felt sorry for him, he use to give me so many pressents all the time and i didn’t really want it, and felt guilty.
This whole boyfriend, girlfriend was so new to me back then i didn’t really knew what to expect out of it, he was my first real one, so we stuck together.
I rememberd having tryed to use a tampon before and i could never do it, i use to think my hymen was to thick, so i was abit anchious about sex.
We used to just kiss around and do all other stuff but sex, then eventually we had been together for a really long time one day we just tryed, it was so long ago i cant remember the very first time we tryed, but any how, we tryed to do it countless times before the actully one, and it never worked, it was like hitting a wall, there was a little piece of skin in the way, it didn’t look like a hymen, more like skin. Then eventually it was summer and Me and my parents took him with us on our holliday and we stayed in a two roomed hotell by the beach. My parents was in the other room and if i remember right we tryed a few times over two days, we both wanted to have done “it” like everybody else and it simply didn’t work.
Then one time, it was light and sunny outside we were kissing and we got our pants of, eaven if i didn’t love him i still got exited and turned on, it was all so new and i was nervous, i could feel his pinis against me by my ‘entrance’ just the tip of his pinis, and he was slowly pushing against, i remember thinking its just another one of those times it wont work, but pretty soon i sensed with him that this time he was determind to do it, si I as well gave in, i braced myself quite abit, and he started to more forcefully push against me still feeling like he was hitting a wall, i then knew this was it! The determination.
I knew he wasn’t going to give up untill it happend! I closed my eyes. And he had to actually really hpush and work against me, He took hild of the egge of the bed.
I got so sore i couldn’t eaven feel when the skin snapped (for skin it turned out to be, and not a hymen, as i checked it out at the gynocologist later)
I got so sore i didn’t eaven feel it, i was kind of numb, and it felt achward at same time as a little pleasure.
After he was so happy, and i felt like i protended i was, that we has this bond now, but in reallity i didn’t feel that great, i only fooled myselfnot to feel the real feelings, i felt a bit like trash or shit twards myself for having done it when i didn’t love him, just because it was the right ‘time’ and expectation. To this day i regret it. I think it only got enhanced by the fact i made myself stick it out with him for another half a year, untill i really couldnt take it any longer. I always use to by in to his storied of his parents abusing him and feel sory for him and hold out a little longer. But in the end i just felt abused twards myself and didn’t care what would happen. I think this event in my life have effected the whole way i look at sex, me having a hard time saying no, and when i do i feel guilty, bracing myself when having sex and feeling guilt or abit trashy for whanting sex. I can still not enjoy it fully.
SO looking back i wish that i would have waited untill i was with someone that I was sure of and not let myself be persuaded in to something or let society push you to do it early, well it has to do with age and to do with how you feel for the guy. You do have to live with the memory for a long time so i’d say, be in no hurry!

[!] Report Abuse

Processing your request, Please wait....

Report as:	Report Abuse Other
Write in Words: (Optional)