Where it happened:
Langauge: English
Sex: Female
Rating: 10
Category: Straight
This link has helped in my healing. It is clear that some contributions are from people who are trying to make sense of pain. I hope my following thoughts will be helpful to others:
The strong visceral response to one’s first sexual experience is evidence of its significance. Some contributors have continued their tales beyond the mere fact. They are the people who acknowledge the reverberations of their first time.
I am beginning to make lucid sense of what my step-brother stole from me by raping me. He stole from me the crucial choice of accepting or rejecting sexual activity. Reproduction is the personal link between generations shared by every living thing and is the only biological purpose of existence for an individual organism. Mate selection is our single cosmic choice as biological entities. It matters to a person’s body as much as breathing and food no matter how much a person might consciously dismiss its importance.
My parents betrayed me by ignoring both the rape and the later attempt to rape. They just didn’t think this all the way through. They didn’t think about it because my brother gave them too much to think about. They just didn’t think. I have to persuade myself that I did matter to them all this time.
My suitor, who is now my marriage partner, won me through commitment and respect. Dave’s commitment was evidenced by his phenomenal patience. His courtship of me will leave me forever awed. His respect was evidenced by his insistence that I make choices for myself. I still need his encouragement in this area.
A recent contributor suggested that sex deserves respect, reverence, and
commitment and I emphatically agree. She mentioned one gets what one earns but I know she was not considering rape. Her statement that one’s first experience with sex influences subsequent times is all too germane to me and I know it applies to everybody.
I urge as persuasively as I can acknowledgment that sex is powerful magic. To disrespect sex will imperil you and your partner.
For those who care about Claire of #1480, I have had a Christmas of miracles. My parents could not accept Dave or our marriage and declined to attend our wedding. I sent my mother a printout of my “First Time” contribution with a letter carefully composed with my therapist’s guidance. My parents then sent Dave a written welcome into our family and invited us for Christmas as a married couple. My Christmas present from my parents is a warehouse receipt in my married name for (1) Piano, Steinway, serial 75,233; (2) Piano Stool, black walnut,…. Mrs. Newkirk sent along all the papers going back to the original factory receipt of1893 along with her letter expressing kind thoughts of satisfaction for me becoming the new owner. I can only guess what it cost her to let go.
My parents are people of modest means. They faced a painful choice between financing an appeal for my brother’s conviction for murder or buying this Steinway. I truly emphasize with their sorrow of finally having to give up on my brother.
That Steinway is their acknowledgment of me, their commitment to make amends for past errors, and, incidentally, a piano. Though I am even more thrilled to own this Steinway than I was merely to play it and though I am exhilarated to possess this remembrance of two holidays that will be forever special, my regaining my parents is the greatest gift of all. I am becoming whole.
Thank you for the piano, Mom and Dad. I love you too.
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