Where it happened: --
Langauge: English
Sex: Male
Rating: 9
Category: Straight
Please hear my story with your heart and please do not judge me. I am in a difficult situation and I am trying to make the best of it I can. I am gay but I am also striving for a Christian life. Since I haven’t come out yet, I am going to be vague and you must please understand about that. I hope I can help others in my situation.
I began to realize I was different when I was 11 years old. I don’t think it began there but that was when I could no longer ignore it. When my chums would get together to look at girlie magazines and jack off together, I got more excited by watching the other boys than the magazines. Once, when I was with just one other boy who was my best friend, I suggested we do each other and he thought I was too gross. We never talked about it and I was still welcome at the group jack-off sessions. Eventually, my gang grew away from the magazines.
When we were 13, there was this girl who was 15 who took us all on as a group. There were about 6 of us on a regular basis and it went on for two summers. When my turn came, I could not cum but then I started thinking about my peter immersed in the cum of the other guys and that did the trick for me. That was my first time, strictly speaking. I simply do not get turned on by girls like I do by boys. I participated in those sessions to get off on my friends rather than on the girl. It got to the point I would pretend to cum when I was in her and then I would jack off while watching the others when they had their turn. I got the reputation for being a sex machine but little did they know.
I was the loneliest kid in the world and the saddest, too. I worried about getting married and then having to do “it” with her. I knew I was just not right inside.
When I was 15, I was taken on as a jr. counselor and could go to camp all summer for free rather than simply paying for 3 weeks as in previous years. I thought it would get me away from the monkey business in the woods. If the shit didn’t hit the fan on the group from adults, it was sure to come down on me from my friends.
The man of my dreams and I just exchanged looks during pre-season orientation. I can’t explain it: we just looked at each other from different tables in the dining hall while the camp director was droning away and I knew and he knew. Bob (not his real name) was in college and a life guard as well as a senior counselor and he was the most gorgeous Greek god I had ever seen. He was tan and his muscles were beautifully sculpted. He had a square face and a square jaw and a blond flattop cut. Most of all, his buns were tight and hard. I fantasized about him when I went to bed that first night and you can fill in all the details.
I was thrilled when he put in the request for me to be his assistant on swimming pool maintenance. Bob was going to be a junior in college. I think he was 20. When we finished skimming the pool and back-flushing the filters, he suggested we test our work and slipped off his keds and his white shorts and dove in naked. I needed no invitation and I joined him. He came up behind me and ran his hand up the inside of my thigh to my crotch and then retreated. My smile was all the answer he needed.
That summer was my first time. Bob suggested intercourse but I was apprehensive. He seemed content to share pleasure within the bounds of my comfort. He was as sweet and patient a lover as you could ask for. He put no pressure on me whatsoever. This is my first and only romance and I ask your indulgence if I keep this private. I love Bob to this day and our time together is sacrosanct for me. Before I could get gather my courage to go all the way, we were caught by the camp director after lights out. I was sent back to my cabin and I never saw Bob again. I was expecting to be sent home but not a word was ever said to me. I think the director was as embarrassed as I because he averted eye contact with me the remainder of the summer. Looking back on it I now realize the director’s quandary which was how was he going to explain to my parents about a 20-yr-old corrupting their innocent 15-yr-old?
An announcement at breakfast that Bob had a personal emergency and had to quit his job was the only acknowledgment of the humiliating discovery the night before. The director’s wife served as lifeguard for two days and then a replacement was in place. It was as if Bob never existed. His address was certainly in the camp business office but it might as well have been on the moon. I fantasized about midnight burglary to obtain the address but it was futile.
My first romance came to an unexpected stop with no good-bye but the pain was eased by the knowledge I was not alone. If Bob existed, there had to be others just like Bob and me. The pleasure and joy I had experienced had promise of being repeated.
That fall was my 10th grade and I went to the senior high school. One of the teachers had me guessing. The vibes were there but nothing came of it. Finally I made an overture and put my hand on his when we were alone. Mr.K was gentle but firm. He had a wife and kids of his own and said that we all had to find our own way in life. He also said I could come to talk to him about school and college but nothing outside of that. Mr.K understood all right but would be of no help to me. I was wrong, however. He suggested I date girls casually if I wanted to keep my secrets. There was no mistake what he meant. When it came time to pick a college, he suggested I needed a huge college both for privacy and social opportunities. He gave me a list of large colleges in suitable metropolitan situations. When I made a selection of college, he gave me a four-page list of churches and suggested I find a denomination that suited me as there are many paths to a Christian life. His thumb was right beside the Metropolitan Church which is dedicated to the gay and lesbian community. The description leaped off the page to me.
I am now a freshman far from home and I am happy for the first time in years. I have dated several men but for the time being I am refraining from intimate sexual activity. I have choices to make in a society that offers me no respectable choice other than a life without love, companionship and sex. In addition, there are social and career penalties to pay if I never marry but lead a blameless life. Settling down with a nice girl is wrong because that is an unacceptable exploitation of another person and a fraud. Mr.K made an obscure comment about the path he had taken would not be the path he would take today. His meaning is clear to me.
Those who say a person should change orientation are totally ignorant about people like me. I am what I am. I never made a choice like this and don’t know why anybody would possibly want to.
For young people in my situation, all I can say is that you are not alone. Having thoughtful discussion with others of both sexes in the same situation has been a lifeline for me.
God bless.
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