Where it happened: my dorm room
Langauge: English
Sex: Female
Rating: 1
Category: Straight
Well, I am not sure this is really my “first time” It wasn’t
with a guy and it wasn’t consensual. But it happened… and
it has haunted me for years.
I met Lu my final year in college. I was a senior, and
she a freshman. I was, and am still, very shy very straight..
not drinking or anything of that kind. It just isn’t
me. I hadn’t had a lot of friends ever, and I felt like I
was finally getting friends my last year is school =( Lu had
quite a bit of influence on me, because I thought she was a
dear friend.. the first person who seemed to care about me. As
a friend. We became close, I thought.I did favors for her,
drove her places in my car, cleaned for her. She was my frienst
of some sort; it didn’t bother me though. She also told me
that she had been abused sexually as a young girl. She was
very open about this, and she wanted to discuss it fairly
often. She even began to press me about whether or not I
had been abused in my own life.
Our friendship continued through that year. She would visit
me often in my room. One night, she came to my room when I
was in bed,starting to fall asleep. I let her in and
she sat down on the bed with me. We talked. She lay down
with me.. put her arms around me. I read this as platonic
affection, and I was thrilled.. I was starved for affection,
for frienship. She asked me about a conversation earlier,
when I had earnestly told her that if I had been gay,
(I’m not, although I think it’s as normal as being straight
if that is what you are) I would be intersted in her.
Reassuring her of something, I think. I can’t remember what
now. I have forgotten many of the details of that night.
She began touching me, undressing me. She never asked if I
wanted her to do these things.. she knew I wasn’t gay. I
guess she didn’t believe me or didn’t care. She touched me
and took off my clothes… she licked me and put her fingers
inside me rubbed herself all over me.. I lay there frozen…
she never asked me if I wanted this, and I did not consent to
it. She just started touching me, using me… and I was
completely unable to tell ner NO! I was frightened and in
shock. I just froze… I wasn’t there anymore.
She worked and worked at me… finally she gave up. I felt
nothing.. I did not climax. I was dry and sore.
The next day, I felt so ashamed.. like what had happened the
night before was tatooed on my forehead. The fact that Laura
was female was not what bothered me… what bothered me was
that it was against my will.I had not wanted her to do those
things.
The next day she ran to my room and kissed me.. sticking her
toungue in my mouth. I hated it… I didn’t feel anything,
but it was gross and frightening. I have never been comfort-
able with kissing. Later she told me she would be upset if I
ever told her that I regretted being with her. So what could
I say to her then?
I have wondered in these recent years if that could be classi
fied as rape. I guess it depends on the definition… but
this time with Lu have haunted me and I have never forgotten
it.. that it happen, I mean. I was fuzzy on the details when
they were happening.
But I know it hapened. I wish I could erase it. Is it true
that if you don’t want to remember something it never
happened?
I have never had an intimate relationship, to this day. I am still
frighened of it, and ashamed of this past experience. I
have been scared from time to time that I could get sick..
I have no idea of her sexual history. I don’t really plan on
relations in my future. It is just too horrible. I hurt inside
at the thought of being with a man.I don’t think I could bear
another person looking at me, touching me… how could you
look them in the eye the next morning? Drink coffee, continue
with life? How do you do you continue normally? I have night-
mares about this stuff.
As for Lu,. she dumped all over me later. I was able to stand
up to her in the light of day and we weren’t together again. I
was always rather ashamed though.. knowing that she had seen
me naked and that she had done those things.
She grew more and more distant and finally blew me off
completely with a very cruel letter in which she accused me
of all kinds of things.
How I wish I could forget….
Was it rape? Was it even a first time? I hope this will not
haunt me forever.
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