My worst sex ever, perhaps predictably, was my first sex ever. The (un)lucky girl in question was an ex-gf of my Brother’s (yes I had no morals then.. or rather I had them, but the raging hormones managed to kick them where it hurt time and time and time again).
She’d given me the eye through most of the time she was dating him (I think she was thinking along the lines of a 3-some, but Brotherly bonds do NOT stretch to Brotherly bondage in my family).
Anyway, they split up and she invited me over to “watch some videos” with her as her parents were going out…
Now, naive as I certainly was in those days, a Trappist Monk would have got the gist of what she was inviting me over for, and I was doing my very best to ditch at least one of my similarities with the Holy Orders.
So I went.
We sat on the sofa, she got a blanket and covered our legs, and we settled down to watch the first video. Being the ahem gentleman that I am (ie scared shitless of doing anything wrong and blowing my chances for the night) I didn’t make a move.
It felt VERY awkward…
Then she must have taken pity on me (or just got bored of waiting) because I sudenly felt a hand on my thigh moving slowly upwards, I took the hint, and we ended up moving up through the ‘bases’ short of actually having sex.
Then the parents came home.
You can imagine how tense I am at this point.. I’ve climbed my way towards the gates of the Holy City, St. Peter has all but given me the key and then God has sudenly decided to change the locks.
Her parents look in on us (we’re on the sofa in the sitting room having got ourselves looking more presentable but with the rug still strategically placed) and they start small-talking with us – “how’s the film” “have you had anything to eat” (YES – but I’M not telling you it was your Daughter) “do you want a cup of tea” etc etc.
That would be OK – I could handle that on its own no problem – but then the minx starts to fondle me under the rug…
Now I’m fairly sure, in retrospect, that her parents must have had a pretty good idea of what we were up to. Two hours or so of mutual masturbation and general ‘activity’ in a room is going to make that room smell of sex.
Strongly.
They didn’t bat an eyelid, and eventually they went to bed and we started up again.
So.. sounding pretty good at the moment? Wondering how this could be the worst sex ever (for me at least?)
Well, it comes back to that magical 2 and a half hours we’ve spent up to this point.
I needed the loo.
Badly.
And not just to pee.
Having got over the embarrassment of having to tell her I needed to go, I then had to sit on her downstairs loo with a raging hard on that just would NOT deflate, trying my best to poo quietly whilst struggling not to pee on the ceiling. And I was trying to do all of this as quickly as I could in case she changed her mind and I didn’t hit a home run…
And I couldn’t do it.
My body would not let me release until I’d had some relief.
So to cut an overly long story short, I got the sex part of the sex done whilst touching cloth, desperate to pee and experiencing HUGE stomach cramps from keeping it all held in. I’m not sure that I even came properly.
I kissed her goodbye, got out of the door as quickly as decency would allow, and scampered down the road back to a bathroom where I could evacuate my bowels in peace.
I smiled a contented smile as I flushed….
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What a Relief..
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