Where it happened: My apt.
Langauge: English
Sex: Male
Rating: 7
Category: Straight
I was 18, living by myself in California on co-op. He had
visited me several times and was always very sensitive. I
was raped when I was 16 and when I first met him (at 18)
I would flinch if he even touched me. I thought that I
would never be able to have sex. He does not know that
I was raped. I’ve always told him that someone “interrupted”
us before it got that far. Part of that is because I am
ashamed. I’ve never told anyone, but it affects a lot of
what I do.
He was always so wonderful when we were together, telling
me that sex wasn’t important, that he just loved
being with me. With the more time we spent together, I
got to the point that I could even make out with him in
a bed without freaking. But I would always get to a point
and just stop. On one visit that we had gone particularly
far, we decided to buy condoms “just in case.” I was excited
but terrified that I would freak in the middle of it.
Unfortunately that night, I fell ill again. I have several
very serious medical problems and am always sick or
in and out of doctor’s offices. I’ve never been told
that I am dying, but I usually feel like it. THat is part
of what made me want it so bad. I was in a particularly bad
stage and was NOT going to die without having sex. I felt like
it would tie up so many loose ends.
The next morning, I felt much better and we starting making
out again. Before I even realized it, I was so turned on
that I just screamed “take me”. It felt very tight but
he later said that I’ve been tighter on subsequent times.
He slid in very, very slow, reassuring me every step of the
way. I felt no pain and the feeelings were incredible
and I’ll never regret it.
We are still together. Sometimes for no reason, I’ll cry in
the middle of sex when little flashbacks hit, and other
times I’ll detach myself, but now it is to the point, where
I can usually have sex with no “bad” thoughts. I savor the day
when I’ll be able to forget my past and just totally let
go. He’s truly wonderful to me and I love him dearly.
Thank you, sweetheart.
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