Jenifer

I had always taken such pride in who I was and the stregnth behind my mind set. I had many guy friends and I had been true to my values and turned down all offers. I think a part of my stregnth was due to the attack I went through at the age of 10. I know many people think of that day when I was 10 as the day that was my first time but I do not. When it wasnt agreed upon I feel it can not be kept in my mind and in my heart as my first time. Well, I was a strong person, never bent to let anyone take advantage of me. I was strong. then my walls of defence came crashing down all around me. I must back up to tell you about the horrible day when I was 10 to get you to the mentle decision I made at the age of 16. Well at 10 my much older brother who was very into drugs attacked me and took my innocents. He ripped into me and I fought but nothing I, a small 10 year old could do would stop him… I remember the feeling down there that felt like a hot poker ripping into me.. I remember the smell, then the hot salty tears flowing across my crying lips… the story if I were to go into more detail was so horrible. I wish that feeling on no one. So from that day on, I promised myself, no Jeni never will you give of yourself… No one can have you… So life went on and I had a life of fun and nice girl ways. I was very popular in high school… I was liked by one and all.. I never remember an enemy.. My life was good, and my brother was gone , he was in the military.. I felt home free… No more fears….But then one day, he came back. I couldnt believe that he was back, living in the same house. I resented my parents cause they gave him yet another chance… they gave him another chance to be changed and do right. I knew he was still the same sick person from all the years earlier. So there he was making my life a living hell… With just a glance in my direction from him it made my stomach turn, I would feel sick… I thought what are my options, how do I get out of here…. I didnt feel I could majke it on my own so I thought I have to find me a man I will have to get married. I thought to myself, this is it, there are good men out there and I have to find me one. So I started dating.. Guy # 3 was it. He was so nice, his family well known, out of school, had a good job and was in college. He was a virgin. He hadnt dated much in school so he was very new to his feelings he started to feel with me. Things went fast. We were set up, talked on the phone for 3 weeks every night. For hours at a time. He told me he loved me before we ever met. I held those words. Knowing that I didnt feel that way yet. We met and after several weeks of dating, one night we were riding around… I would stay out to as close to my cerfew as I could cause every min away from hiome was a blessing. We stopped and we went to the tail gate of his truck and we just sat there. Looking out across the wide open space darkened with only a sliver of a summer moon, and all the stars in the galaxy looking down on us… the sounds of wildlife echoed all around us and he touched me…. He touched my cheek then lightly planted a sweet innocent kiss on my cheek. I turned to him and it started. his hands were with their touch looking at me .. feeling and touching me…. feeling this new amazing feeling we were sharing. Although it was a sweet feeling, it still brought fears of that day so many years before. His whispers of promise and love echoed through me….. He loved me, I could love him too… My fingers unsteadily went to his chest and gently clumsy and unknowing learned the curves of his body… the kisses deepened and he started to slowly unbutton my shirt. never words passing between us…. just his passion and my surrender. I replied to him by fallowing his moves… I took his shirt from him as well. then he took my bra. and he went to my nipples.. His touch was arousing but my fright and resurfacing hurt wouldnt let me enter the mood with him. my jeans were next to go and my panties slid down at the same time… I answered with taking his from him… scare, fright, my heart beat was going so fast and not from excitement but from horror. then hetouched me between my legs. I was numb to his touch… I was blocking it I didnt want it I was scared. No turning back I thought to myself, and the time from that moment to the time of entry was so swift. I didnt pay attention to what he did I focused on all things around me. I remember a tree with a bird nest, that I could make out if I squeezed my eyes and looked hard. I remember the little dipper. I remember a bat flying close. Then I remember his entry. hot and painful just as before. The tears flowed again. I was given. I was now not my own. I was no longer strong. I cried as he pumped his first time inside anyone. I cried and he went on and then he came to his release and it was over. He held me and said I am sorry I hurt you. I didnt say a word only spoke with my tears. A coupla of months passed and we had no more sex. But I fell in love with him. Did I cause I felt I had to because he is who I gave myself to. Or was it because I wanted out of my home.. I dont know I cant really go today back in the thoughts of the lost heart of that 16 year old but I know that I found myself pregnant. We got married and all these years I have been living the life of a person doing what I should… No matter if I was happy, I had to play the role of a happy wife and mother. After 14 years of marrage, I have now come to realize my happiness is worth so much more than I have been letting in my life. So I am making the first steps to take a new road in my life.. A road to find my happiness….. A road to true love… A road to where I need to be… A road to laughter, real love making, and faith. My journey will not be alone. But it will be for me.


Jenifer

[!] Report Abuse

Processing your request, Please wait....

Report as:	Report Abuse Other
Write in Words: (Optional)