Where it happened: her room
I was really naive about sex. When I was growing up, my religious southern dad just said, “Keep it in your pants, boy!” Very informative.
So when I was finally naked with a girl, I had no idea what to do. I knew the general vicinity in which I had to put it, but this was the 80’s! It’s not like today where women buff, polish, wax, and shine it like an NBA basketball court. No — this was a bush! More like a forest… an Amazonian Rainforest! There were creepers and tendrils, ficus trees. It looked like she had a member of the Jackson 5 trapped between her legs.
I just went to the top of the hairy part and just poked around. I felt like saying, “Marco? Marco????”
Eventually, she got fed up, grabbed it, and just stuffed it in. I thought, “I’m having sex!” Then I thought, “I’m about to finish having sex!” I came instantly. I’m not even sure I was all the way in yet.
She stopped. She said, “What just happened?” I told her that I “finished.” She was furious! I didn’t know what to say… it was so moist, so warm — it was like Duncan Hines.
She ran into the bathroom, propped her leg up on the sink and started splashing water up her canal. That got me scared. I ran over there, screaming, “Don’t do that! You’re just giving them a river to swim in!”
She screamed, “Well, go into the kitchen and get something!” In retrospect, I’m assuming she meant something like Coca-Cola, but I had no idea. I just went rifling through the drawers until I found a big bag of flour. I grabbed it and ran into the bathroom.
I just started throwing handfuls of the flour at her crotch. She was mortified, screaming, “What the hell are you doing?” I could only yell back, “I’m trying to dry it up! Keep your legs open!” I tried to throw more between her legs. It looked like I was trying to make PUSSY COOKIES or something! Then, she grabbed the bag and threw the entire thing at my face.
She stayed in the bathroom splashing, crying, and blow drying for the next hour. I sat on the bed scared — naked and in white face. I must have looked beyond pathetic.
The bad news is she never saw me again after that. The good news is that she didn’t get pregnant.
Although, I do think she got a yeast infection.