Where it happened: home
My Life Don’t read this unless I tell you too.
I don’t know why I feel like I should write this, But I do know I want you to know everything about my past. Why I act the way I do also, why I get so sad sometimes. I know that I’m putting a lot of I and me in this but its about me. So I really hope you don’t judge me to badly for the things I did. I’m going to put all the details I remember in it so if you do not want to keep reading what I wrote that’s fine. But I really want you to read this because its even harder to talk about then write. I don’t know what else I should put so I guess I will get started.
I guess I will start when I was a baby my mom didn’t want me I’m not sure why. I think it was something to do with a type of depression some women get after there child is born. I hope I never get that. Anyway she sent me to live with my godmother Judy. Which was ok I guess, But I was never happy there. She would get angry at me and pull me around by my hair or beat me, sometimes both. Everything I did there had to be perfect. Things like my hair and my clothes, the way I acted and even in school. I don’t know maybe everyone wants there kids like that. What I don’t understand is why she would hit me. I have never told anyone that ever, So don’t you tell anyone because all it will do is cause trouble. I also kept her from hitting my brother a lot I would always do something worse then him and she would forget about him. But he didn’t stay there a lot. I live there until I was 8. Then I couldn’t take the way she treated me anymore so I snapped, and acted out. She sent me packing home then in ways I wish I would have stayed there. She was kinda more of a mother to me then my mom. But then I’m glad I didn’t cause then I wouldn’t have you.
Anyway, when I got home my momma was pissed she grounded me for almost a year. No toys no friends I was to go straight to school nowhere else. But Joe finely talked her in to letting me get to be friends with Mandy. I was so happy I got a friend also we are still friends today even if her mom hates me. Later on I will tell you why that hurts so much. Anyway one night someone came in to my room. I know it was Joe I remember it well. Also he did it a lot after that. But anyway, then he touch me I was scared and confused. Because It felt good. Then he took my night shirt off and my panties off and made me lay at the end of the bed. I remember he pulled his shorts down and I was so scared I didn’t know what he was doing. Then before he pushed in me he told me if I ever told anyone he would kill my mom and my brother and me. That he had killed before and he would do it again. Then he pushed his self in me it hurt so bad I started to cry. It was so big and I remember wishing momma would come home I wanted her to hold me I hurt so bad but she was at work, And didn’t come home until in the morning because she worked 3rd shift.
Almost every night he did this mainly when momma was at work. Sometimes when she was asleep, and that was during the day. He made me do so meany things. I’m ashamed to say it, but I will. He made me do things to my brother sometimes, Or he would make me to get the dog to lick me while he watched. I’m sure you know what I mean. I remember sometimes he would call me over to him when no one was around and he would start playing with me he said he loved the taste of me that I was so sweet it was unreal. he would lick his finger or tell me to put the tip of the in my pussy so he could taste it all the time. I would do it, but at the time I had no idea what he was talking about. Then as I got older, I’m sorry I feel so wrong for it but I started liking it. It stopped hurting after awhile. Almost 2 years I wonder why it hurt for that long. Oh well.
It went on for another year but I told him I was not going to touch my brother anymore. I would give it to him just let me leave my brother alone. So he did but I had to do more for him. He would make me suck his dick. I remember he had a dildo he said it was mommas and while I was sucking his dick for him he started to um dang you know. use it on me. But I liked it. I know now that was wrong I shouldn’t have liked it. but I cant change the past. then when I was 13 I remember cause I was in the 6 th grade. Mandy got to stay the night with me. So we could study for a test the next day. But that’s not what Joe had in mind.(He drank a lot and I would always open the bottle for him ha ha I knew how to pop the cap off a beer bottle when I was 9) He he was drunk and he turned on porn and made me suck his dick for him and Mandy watched I remember the look on her face. Cause I know she didn’t know what to do. Then he made us go in his room and he told us where mommas dildo was and we could use it if we wanted to and we could do what we want. He said it was ok that there was nothing wrong with us kissing and making each other feel good. He said he would watch us. Well I know it was wrong and I knew Mandy didn’t know a lot about sex. I was starting to feel panic. I didn’t want to do that to her. Also he for got that her mom always came to check on her before she went to bed. Because Mandy would get home sick. Anyway her mom had heard what he said and everything so she just walked in the house.
Oh man I hate thinking about that night, but I want to tell you everything and I am. Anyway she made Mandy get her stuff and go home, And started to call him names like Child molester and short eyes other names I have forgot. I remember that momma had to come home from work and she was mad at me. I went to school the next day thinking I was going to be grounded big time now. That I had finely screwed up. But in the last class DSS came in and got me.(DSS= Department of Social Services) They took me to a room and started asking me questions. They made me feel like I had done wrong so I guessed I did. But that woman made me so mad, I couldn’t barely see straight. I know I kept telling her that Joe never touched me. That he never made me do anything and he was always good to me. Then they sent me back to class. I guess I’m lucky school was about over cause I was crying. Although no one knew because I didn’t cry on the outside at the time I would always bottle it up and hide it. Do you know what I mean?? Then when I was walking from the buss I seen her car the woman from DSS I was so mad. Ah!!!! I still feel angry to her. I remember walking in and when I seen her I cursed her and called her everything I knew in English and Spanish. HA. I remember my mom turned pale she had never heard me say things like that. Probley didn’t think I even knew some of the stuff I said to that woman.
Then I went to my room. The woman asked my brother if Joe had ever touched him or if I touched him. Lee said no we hadn’t touched him. I don’t know why he didn’t tell the truth, But he didn’t. And while that woman was talking to him momma was in her room I guess crying, and Joe came in my room. He said they are going to want to check me. Cause you can tell if a girl has had sex before. You can look and see. He told me to tell them when they ask me who I had sex with to tell them a had a boyfriend and to tell them his name was David and that he moved a short while back and I have another boy friend whose name I refuse to give. Then surprise!!! they wanted to check me just like he said. I did what he said, told them what he told me to tell them. And we went to court. I remember my brother telling me he hated me all the time because of me we couldn’t stay home until this thing was over. My moms family started to hate me everyone but my aunt Debbie. I’m glad she didn’t hate me. Anyway I kept lying to them I felt bad at how easy it felt because I had been lying about it my whole life since it started.
Finely it was over they said they couldn’t prove anything. You wouldn’t believe how mad my mom was at me and my friend and her mom. She wouldn’t let me be near Mandy. Then one night I don’t know why but I didn’t feel like living anymore. I felt worthless and I felt like my mom and everyone else hated me but Joe. You know he was good to me he would always get me what I wanted. As long as I didn’t tell anyone, And let him do what he wanted to me and do as he asked me to do. I’m not going to sit here and tell you everything he made me do because this thing is long enough without it. If you want to know ask me. I will tell you but it will be hard for me. Cause its hard to wright this now.
Anyway, I had called Mandy because I wanted to talk to someone, and she is the only person I had at the time. But by the time I had called her I had took a lot of pills of mommas and Joe’s. Also I had been cutting myself it was the pain I wanted because I liked it it was different. I felt like I needed it. I had been doing it for awhile too. that’s why I have scars on my arms. But they found those at the hospital too. I was feeling strange, and I guess the longer I talked the more Mandy could tell there was something wrong. Because she asked me what’s wrong? I didn’t think she would tell anyone because she’s my friend. So I told her. I told her everything and then I told her I wanted to die and that I was going to. Not to miss me I was going to another place. Also at the time I didn’t know you would go to hell for killing yourself I do now. Anyway she ran down to my house and in my back door because she knew I never locked it. Although she didn’t know why. (Which was because I was hoping maybe one day someone would brake in and kill me and end it all.) Ha! I know now that will never happen in Stanley. But I don’t really remember this part I only know because people told me most of it. When she got here she found me and gagged me like her mom told her to. By sticking her fingers down my throat. While her mom called 911. They sent me to the ER and pumped my stomach. To get all the pills out. When I was good enough to go home they sent me to the 7 th floor which is the mental floor. Where I guess they send people with problems.
I was there for three weeks hating myself for telling Mandy. At the time I was mad at her. But now I’m thankful. Anyway while I was there they finely got me to talk about what happened with Joe and then DSS came back in to my life by this time I was home again I was also skipping school because the kids there teased me about where I had went I couldn’t take it so I skipped. The only reason they knew I is because of Alisha. She had told them. Anyway Joe still did his stuff to me. Momma still worked 3 rd shift. And DSS was nosing there way back I’m to my life. Then one day me and my mom got in to a fight. We always fight even now we fight. But back then she would beat me and pick up and use anything she saw to hit me with. And she told me I was a mistake and I wasn’t supposed to have been born that it was my daddy’s fault. He had wanted kids and snuck and put holes in the condoms. She told me she hated me.(By that time I was still cutting myself no one knew. I don’t know why I liked it I just know I like the pain it made me feel better.) She went to her room because Joe made her. I think she would have beat me to death if she stayed in there with me. I still don’t know why she was mad that day. Anyway I ran to Mandy’s house and told her what my mom said. And Mandy told me it would be ok. That she was there for me. Like I have always been there for her. Her mom had called the police and she told me to tell them everything that they would take me somewhere where no one could hurt me.
Believing this I told the police officer everything Joe did, what my mom did, everything. Then only to remember what Joe had said. But it was to late the police officer took me home he tried to help me out of the car but without realizing it. I pulled away from him cause at the time I didn’t want any man to touch me I couldn’t trust them. He only looked at me then called in to get another car there. By this time he closed the door. And told me to stay he went in and told my mom to come out he told her what was going on. And she I knew was so angry with me I could the hate in her eyes. He then asked her if she knew a place I could go where Joe didn’t know how to get to. She said no and none of her family would want me with them. Then he told her lee had to go to. And she said he could go to my uncles. Well I ended up staying with my neighbors daughter she was married and had a kid. She only let me stay there because she knew how I felt her step dad did it to her too. Only she didn’t know everything so she didn’t really know how I felt.
Well I kept on telling the truth and it felt so good but as it got closer I got scared.( Even thought I had Mandy and her moms support I love them both so much but sadly Mandy’s mom I felt hates me I don’t know what I did And I don’t know why.) I guess I deserve everything that happened to me after. But I told them I lied. And that he never did anything. At that time no one believed me. But I kept saying it. And finely the court date came my mom had me sent away. I went to a jail for bad kids.( One reason is because I would punch holes in the wall because she made me so mad and I couldn’t hit her) I stayed 14 days. Then they sent me to a group home. There is where another living hell waited for me. The crazy part is this was where they were going to send me anyway until got a foster home. The girls there where mean. I had to learn how to play there game. And how to talk like them. Everything I had to change because they sent me to a school for bad kids. I have never in my life been bad at school, and I guess I had to go because I had been skipping school at home. And come to think of it that may been why mom was mad at me I don’t know. But I did what they told me to do. Cause by then I was use to being ordered around. They told me when to eat, sleep what to eat what to wear and what I could do when I was aloud to in a time period. When I say they told me when and where to do everything I mean everything even the bathroom. I could only go when it wasn’t time if it was an emergency.
There was this girl there she was lez. And she wanted me. I think about it now and I wonder why people like to hurt me. Anyway she was in a gang. Called the Crips. If you don’t know who they are ask me I will tell you. But I cant tell you to much I guess truly I’m not sure if I can or not. But anyway she told me everything things I’m not suppose to know about unless I’m in with them. She told her brother who was the leader at the time. And then he said I have to join. I know to much. By then I noticed strange guys at the school watching me, timing me. I guess to see when I was going to be alone so they could jump me and beat me see cause that is the first thing they do check to see how strong you are. They beat you until you cant move and your lucky if they don’t kill you. And lucky me the first semester of school was about over. the people at the group home started to notice what was going on so they moved me, and told me why and also because I had been so good. So I got out of that yay for me but I was still in the group home. And I stayed there for a little longer and they sent me home.
In the time I was gone which I’m sorry I forgot to say earlier. They had took my dog Lottie I had loved that dog Because she was my only friend. Because my mom wouldn’t let me talk to Mandy or see her. I really loved that dog with all my heart. I’m crying now thinking about it I’m sorry. But when I was in the group home they had a CBS worker to bring me to the park. Now I don’t know what CBS stands for all I know is its really nice people who take you places and do thing for you and with you at the time I had Ms. Debbie that’s what she told me to call her. On the way there she told me what was going on and as she told me I felt my heart burst and tears come to my eyes. Now this is the first time I had cried in along time, and when I did I couldn’t stop. She had to pull off the road. We was an hour late but my mom said she understood because she knew I loved the dog. Then she gave her to me and told me why she looked so bad and, it was because she wasn’t eating she was morning herself to death over me because I was gone. Here I was with Lottie dancing at my feet. I was crying so hard and people was starting at me. But I didn’t care I had just lost the last thing I loved. Or that was how I felt. Because everything else I loved was taken away. Anyway momma said they was going to have to put her to sleep which means kill her in a nice way with drugs. and so without saying anything tears hiding behind my eyes I grad the dog and hugged her ha ha I remember it was a little to hard and she yelped. Don’t worry it didn’t hurt her only scared her. I put her down and took off her leash because I know no matter what she will not leave my side not even to chase a cat. I loved that dog so much. I just ran with her who new a fat girl like me could run that fast and that long but we ran in the park everywhere I chased her, and let her chase me. and sat in the sun for a long time then my CBS worker said that she was sorry but we have to go. It was getting late and the people at the group home would be angry if she was late.
So then she took me back to the group home. I was thinking Lottie was going to live for a few more days and I was ok with that. But when I got back the group home the people told me they had went ahead and put her to sleep. I remember crying so long and so loud. I don’t even know how to tell you the lose I felt. They ended up sending me to a mental hospital because I couldn’t stop crying I tried I didn’t want to go there again but I had to go anyway.
Anyway like I was saying they sent me to another place. I Stayed there for awhile then they sent me home. I was 15 then. Joe was starting to get sick. And I couldn’t go back to that school everyone knew where I had been. They were so cruel to me and teased me. sometimes I think they was afraid of me because I wouldn’t talk to people like they did. But finely I stopped going nothing they could do would make me go back. My mom would beat me ground me brake my things which I didn’t care about because in the group home I learned to go with out it. and finely the school called DSS because I wasn’t going to school. They sent a truant officer out to my house. I told him like I did everyone else. I told him about the kids and everything he said he don’t care. That if I would take my stuck up white ass to school. It would make mine and his life a lot easer. Can you guess what I told him? I told him no I wasn’t going to that school and if he wants me to go send me to another one. Well that’s what he did alright. Cause by then I no longer cared about anything. They sent me away dang you should have seen it my mom was crying her baby is getting sent away again. oh boo-hoo. So I had to go to a teen shelter because this time I hadn’t done anything bad enough to go to jail again I guess. I was there for a month and a half which is the longest anyone has ever been there they are afraid of me because I wouldn’t talk to them. I wouldn’t eat unless I had to. And I would sleep most of the time. Yes I wanted to be home in my own bed not having to share showers with other girls. But life’s unfair I guess.
(That was when Mandy’s mom started to hate me I will tell you why. I had got to visit home and I wanted to see her and when i went to her house. Robert was there, and he started to talk down to me telling me that he was going to send Mandy away. Well I was mad very mad because I knew what it was like to be there. I knew I didn’t want her to go and I yelled at him and told him to go to hell. Then I left I had slammed the door and some movies fell off the wall beside it. HAHAHAHAHA. Can you believe he said I thru things and tore the house up and stuff like that, he LIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And Wilma be lived him. She wouldn’t listen to what I had to say. She only wanted him. GOD I loved her like a mother also she said she love me like I was her own kid, and she did me so wrong. It hurt so bad.)Well guess what I just got a call from Mandy’s mom and we had a long talk she said she still loves me. Anyway to keep going.
But back to what I was saying before. They were nice to me treated me so good. When I had to leave I was afraid and wanted to cry. But they knew the people who owned the group home and said they were nice people. And if for some reason they’re not nice to me to call them and they would take care of everything. And they was right they were nice people. and really cared for me and not my money or what I could do for them. To bad it was short lived. Because the girls there was mean very mean but you know what. I didn’t put up with it.NOT this time I wasn’t. When the staff person had went out to smoke I picked the bigist girl in there and the badest and no not me. ha ha. Anyway I beat her down I didn’t say anything I just jumped her and beat her.( Here’s a secret if you put Vaseline on your face when they hit you it will slid of and not hurt as bad) All the other girls saw it and respected me after that . I was put on restriction I didn’t care. Like I say I didn’t care for what they took from me I was use to going with out all the comforts we have at home. And I wouldn’t talk to no one. Only if I had no other chose did I talk. And I did as they said just like in the other group home and when Christmas came they got me stuff and I got to eat with group home owners family. Don’t tell anyone because that’s not aloud. And January came I was in school taking advanced classes in psychology and civics and other stuffs like that but they wanted to send me home I didn’t want to go I begged them to let me stay but I had to come home.
My mom had cleaned out my room and everything I had before I left was gone but my bed and chest of drawers. All I had was the stuff I took with me and had got while I was there. Which was a lot. I’m Glad they got clothes for me and other stuff. When I had asked my mom why she did it. She got mad and started yelling at me, And said I don’t deserve anything, and to be happy with what I had I said I am happy I just want you to leave me alone. And she hit me and hit me and hit I kept asking what I was doing so wrong why does she hate me. I begged her to stop but she wouldn’t. See Joe was sick I don’t know where he got the strength from. But I blacked out. And my brother was watching me and when he seen me hit her he jumped in and yelled for Joe when I came to I was choking her. My god I’m so sorry. I wish I could take it back but I cant. after that she never hit me again. but we still argued a lot Joe kept getting sicker and I had to help take care of him. I cleaned him fed him everything for momma so she could work then it got to where he didn’t know who we was or anything and he would try to fight us. I remember he blackened my eye a few times but I never hit him back. Finely one night I felt something that wasn’t right I knew he was going die. And so I left my mom was mad at me but it was short lived because she wanted to be with him anyway. So I went to Davia’s house cause by then I was friends with her. And we was in bed when they called I cryed for about 5 or 10 min then I didn’t feel anything. They took me home the next day. And they was get the stuff ready for the funeral. Me I didn’t care I don’t know why I just didn’t. But I was there for my mom even though all the stuff she said to me I still let her cry on my shoulder. It was over Davia had came to, So had Alisha. I wasn’t angry with no one because life has taught me not to stay angry.
I know some things I left out like most my friends died the year before him. Mandy is still here. I thank God for her. And I tank god for Davia And Alisha Even if alisha did help ruin my life. I know that some things I did was stupid. And I guess most of its my fault. Sometimes I wonder if momma would have been happier if I wasn’t born and Only Lee was here. Anyway I don’t want you to think my life was all bad. When I volunteered in the nursing home when I was in the group home I loved it. It was so much fun and the smallest thing made them happy. I lived to make them smile. I was sad when I had to leave them though. But I will get over it. It seems I always do. Now I just play like I’m happy so my mom wont worry. She doesn’t treat me as bad as she use to. Yet she still treats me like I’m her slave I don’t know maybe I deserve it. Anyway I’m sure your tired of reading by now. I love you and I trust you that is the only reason I am telling you these things please never hurt me or use it against me.
Thursday, 22 March, 2007